Superficial Repairs

I hope you realize how damaged I really am.

I might keep up the facade of being strong, but underneath, I'm cracked and bleeding slowly. I'm screwed up. I'm battered, and I'm not really all that okay.

Sometimes it shines through. An action will give me away, a lingering look, or maybe the look of concentration I focus on.

I'm sorry I have trust issues. I'm sorry I'm suspicious and paranoid.

I hate the patterns I'm painting. They aren't making me happy. They aren't making anyone happy. I need to set down the brush. Maybe just stop it all for a moment and appreciate the good things more than worry about possible bad. Stop worrying about my possible mistakes and misinterpretations. Soothe the fear, calm the sadness, and give myself a chance to be happy with simple observations.

I'm damaged. I know it looks like I have the ability to stand strong, defiant, full of strength when all else is failing, when all else is going to hell. But that is action. And action is easy. Action is the only thing I know how to do right. Thinking about the future just isn't my strong suite at all. I can think of things I want easily enough, but thinking of how to get them accomplished? That's something I'm honestly too afraid to think about most of the time.

I can be strong sometimes, and probably I've tried to be strong far too long. I just hope you realize, I'm just human.

I'll probably be okay some day, but first I'm going to need to be honest before I can honestly say "I'm okay."