So it all occurred to me when I was hanging out with friends, and one brought up a time when I ran after a girl and asked her if I looked like Jesus.
After such a harsh look and question, I left. My world shattered. But that's ok. Why? Because I learned a valuable lesson. Or maybe I over-learned it.
I thought about various women in my life who at, one time or another, I would have romanced, and would have pursued a relationship. Needless to say, we are still friends, and I'm not sure any of them know my past feelings.
I have a friend, who believes in building a friendship then moving into a relationship. I do believe I've tried that once. Undeniably, that was my longest lasting relationship.
I've also tried the other side: moving right into a relationship. Undeniably, the shortest relationships.
Back to the Jesus thing. I realize, I'm a strange human. And arguably, the people who like me most, are those who take time to get to know me. But now comes the harsh side. After a while of talking and getting to know me, many (if not all) people do not feel it is worth ruining a perfectly good friendship by moving into a relationship. Why ruin a friendship for something more?
The problem: I'm weird, I'm awkward, and it takes people time to adjust for me. Too long, and I'm relegated to the "good friend" bin. Too short, and it's just another broken relationship, or not even that. Used then tossed. Just another face.
People have told me, for so long, "Don't worry, you'll find someone amazing." But I have to say, the more I hear it, the less I believe it. The more I hear it, the more I feel myself breaking down slowly inside. I'm headed for a full breakdown. But not today.
To protect myself, I have to pretend I'm very alone in this world. I have to pretend I'm ok with this. I have to pretend it doesn't bother me that I'm a very broken human, who has trouble interacting with strangers, a human who doesn't always know when to shut up, or when to talk, or what to say.
Am I Ok? Not really. But that's ok, right? Not really. But we can pretend it does, just a little longer. I feel myself breaking down, but that is ok. Because there is beauty in a breakdown.
