Recent Depression 8-24-12

Lately, I've just felt depressed. I don't feel I can really trust anyone. I know I should be able to trust more, but, recent behaviors, have caused me to become very reserved. I've withdrawn. Though, it isn't entirely my fault. A new job has basically killed what little of a social life I had.

But then this film I want so desperately to be a part of, but I don't think I'll be able to do it. I've got enough going on currently. Between school and work, I basically have no time to relax.

I've flipped out quite a few times today. Just random bursts of rage. Waking up late, no time for much of anything; food didn't happen. Late to class anyway, hitting most lights red on the way there. Getting there, and realizing I don't know where the class is. Walking in late. Not having missed much but enough to feel foreign. Nervous the entire class, getting sucked into stupid things because I was shy and didn't want to say anything...

Then hitting just about every light on the way back home red. At least until I got to the highway.
 And then of course having 2 and a half hours to kill. Needing to get things done, but knowing, 2 hours isn't enough.

Work was ok. Probably the smoothest part of the day. Getting home, and, nothing going on.
Sometimes I feel like a waste of space. I'm wasting time, and for what? Nothing... Nothing at all.
Suicide has been a thought I keep pushing away, but it keeps creeping back up on me. I can't talk about it with my family. They wouldn't understand, and would likely suggest medication.

I can't vent on facebook. Because, I feel no one cares. And anyone who "cares" is going to leave a stupid fucking comment rather than, actually talking with me. And even then, why should I have to post on facebook for people to notice something? Oh, I'm sorry, I normally vanish for an entire fucking week without saying much, replying to the odd text message hours after I get it because I'm determined to convince people nothing is wrong.

So much is wrong. I can't stand some of my friends lately. I find their behavior unacceptable, and I say nothing. Because I know why they do it. Insecurity. And they are so tightly wrapped in their insecurity, by saying anything it will wrap tighter. Why would I pay someone a pity compliment? That solves nothing; it just wraps it tighter. I'm afraid to be honest. I've found most people can't take honesty.

I'm tired of feeling alone. Sexually frustrated, with zero prospects. Or perhaps a few, but no confidence to pursue them. I'm a wreck. The fact I keep going amazes me. I so want to quit though. I'm tired. I can't keep this shit up forever. And the more I think about it, the more "forever" it all seems... I try to distract myself from this fact, but my mind wanders back. The longest I've gone today without feeling like a total failure, is when I was playing Saints Row 3. Money, cars, guns, women, wacky reality. Everything I want in real life.

I stop playing, and I fall back into this. More distractions. If I face off with this, I'm likely to break, and the people who want to catch my pieces, are people I'd rather not let piece me back together.

I feel like a stranger. I feel like I'm fading into memory. Falling away, and out of sight. I feel people would be happier if I'd stop bothering them.

Pathetic

I suppose jealousy is normal. But I don't get it. I don't I ever have. I don't get, why it drives people to do the stupid, fucked up, annoying things they do. But god, does it bug me.

I hate it when people fish for compliments. I hate it when people bait compliments. "I've got all the charm of a starfish. I don't have any friends." - that isn't going to get me to say what you want me to say. In fact, i'll say nothing. Who am I to fuck with your self image?
I refuse to give pity compliments. Like pity sex, it won't fix anything. I really want to be harsh and mean when it gets down to it.

I also hate it when people tell me about how awesome they are. Generally, this is done by one-upping. Any story, any cool thing you did, it isn't as cool as whatever cool thing they did or can do. It derails conversaton and directs the conversation back at the person who is, generally, insecure.

And thus, our title: Pathetic.

I'm so tired of it. I can't, take it. I'm done. I won't feed your starving self esteem. I can't feed your starving self-esteem.