Lately, I've just felt depressed. I don't feel I can really trust anyone. I know I should be able to trust more, but, recent behaviors, have caused me to become very reserved. I've withdrawn. Though, it isn't entirely my fault. A new job has basically killed what little of a social life I had.
But then this film I want so desperately to be a part of, but I don't think I'll be able to do it. I've got enough going on currently. Between school and work, I basically have no time to relax.
I've flipped out quite a few times today. Just random bursts of rage. Waking up late, no time for much of anything; food didn't happen. Late to class anyway, hitting most lights red on the way there. Getting there, and realizing I don't know where the class is. Walking in late. Not having missed much but enough to feel foreign. Nervous the entire class, getting sucked into stupid things because I was shy and didn't want to say anything...
Then hitting just about every light on the way back home red. At least until I got to the highway.
And then of course having 2 and a half hours to kill. Needing to get things done, but knowing, 2 hours isn't enough.
Work was ok. Probably the smoothest part of the day. Getting home, and, nothing going on.
Sometimes I feel like a waste of space. I'm wasting time, and for what? Nothing... Nothing at all.
Suicide has been a thought I keep pushing away, but it keeps creeping back up on me. I can't talk about it with my family. They wouldn't understand, and would likely suggest medication.
I can't vent on facebook. Because, I feel no one cares. And anyone who "cares" is going to leave a stupid fucking comment rather than, actually talking with me. And even then, why should I have to post on facebook for people to notice something? Oh, I'm sorry, I normally vanish for an entire fucking week without saying much, replying to the odd text message hours after I get it because I'm determined to convince people nothing is wrong.
So much is wrong. I can't stand some of my friends lately. I find their behavior unacceptable, and I say nothing. Because I know why they do it. Insecurity. And they are so tightly wrapped in their insecurity, by saying anything it will wrap tighter. Why would I pay someone a pity compliment? That solves nothing; it just wraps it tighter. I'm afraid to be honest. I've found most people can't take honesty.
I'm tired of feeling alone. Sexually frustrated, with zero prospects. Or perhaps a few, but no confidence to pursue them. I'm a wreck. The fact I keep going amazes me. I so want to quit though. I'm tired. I can't keep this shit up forever. And the more I think about it, the more "forever" it all seems... I try to distract myself from this fact, but my mind wanders back. The longest I've gone today without feeling like a total failure, is when I was playing Saints Row 3. Money, cars, guns, women, wacky reality. Everything I want in real life.
I stop playing, and I fall back into this. More distractions. If I face off with this, I'm likely to break, and the people who want to catch my pieces, are people I'd rather not let piece me back together.
I feel like a stranger. I feel like I'm fading into memory. Falling away, and out of sight. I feel people would be happier if I'd stop bothering them.
No comments:
Post a Comment