Amongst my friends, I feel like a stranger. Combinations and misalignment, and I'm out of place again. Emotional torment. Confidence, gone, but a smiling face hides the tears, the anger, the confusion, and everything else.
Perhaps I am just re-broadcasting the signals I pick up. My own fears embodied in others, my own paranoia, projected. I catch myself doing what I hate happening to me. Predictions, expectations, manipulations. Pulling my own strings pulling others strings, suspicious and paranoid.
I really need to avoid certain combinations of people I think...
Or, the age old solution, I need more sleep.
More sleep, when I have to deal with people.
Have a doctor on call, I talk to who asks me and does a spot analysis, to determine my suitability for social situations.
I find myself playing games I really should not play with people I shouldn't be playing them with. I should have abandoned them... But I did not. Not because I'm a good person. Because I'm a fool and believe in second chances.
But really, it is not really about that. Perhaps I need to move on. The scars need to heal. Hell, they need to form, and that can't happen if I'm constantly itching the wound, ripping it open once again for a fleeting, pointless, and probably more harmful than anything.
Maybe I just don't want to admit to myself, for certain, that I will be single forever. It isn't about social norms or expectations. It's about the increasing occurrence of the feeling no one really gets me. Combined with sexual frustration. Trying to suppress it doesn't go so well, I just get angry. Or depressed.
Damn these emotional scars. I'm so scared of getting hurt, the isolation doesn't scare me.
Stop me when this sounds familiar.
And I know people are interested in me. But I just don't feel the same way. Pursing such things would be unfair to them, and myself.
Blah, blah, blah.
Like the last domino, it is only a matter of time before you fall.
