Puppets: Heroic and Villanous?

I direct your actions; I request and you gracefully oblige, my wonderful muse. My madness tears us together. Our love, the chains that bind and drive us apart.

I am enslaved to your expectations. I thirst for tears of happiness, and curse every disappointed sniff. I fall to you, and you throw my intentions to the flames.

We are each others puppets, pulling each others strings. Cutting control, waiting for the other to collapse on the stage, useless and abandoned. Insane love is the fuel behind our loving duels to the last bitter triumph.

I cut my own strings. I stand on my own and smile, shaking under the weight of my own decisions. I free you. But you are still bound by your own intentions. Cry all you want my puppet, I can't cut you from your own strings.

I am a reality altering entity, stronger than any drug, more addictive than any thought, more frightening than any nightmare, more lovely than a thousand summer days, and more discordant than the crash of a thousand minds, arguing for dominance. More beautiful, in thought, action, and word, than any hypnotic poet.

Rant in F Sharp.

So it all occurred to me when I was hanging out with friends, and one brought up a time when I ran after a girl and asked her if I looked like Jesus.

After such a harsh look and question, I left. My world shattered. But that's ok. Why? Because I learned a valuable lesson. Or maybe I over-learned it.

I thought about various women in my life who at, one time or another, I would have romanced, and would have pursued a relationship. Needless to say, we are still friends, and I'm not sure any of them know my past feelings.

I have a friend, who believes in building a friendship then moving into a relationship. I do believe I've tried that once. Undeniably, that was my longest lasting relationship.

I've also tried the other side: moving right into a relationship. Undeniably, the shortest relationships.

Back to the Jesus thing. I realize, I'm a strange human. And arguably, the people who like me most, are those who take time to get to know me. But now comes the harsh side. After a while of talking and getting to know me, many (if not all) people do not feel it is worth ruining a perfectly good friendship by moving into a relationship. Why ruin a friendship for something more?

The problem: I'm weird, I'm awkward, and it takes people time to adjust for me. Too long, and I'm relegated to the "good friend" bin. Too short, and it's just another broken relationship, or not even that. Used then tossed. Just another face.

People have told me, for so long, "Don't worry, you'll find someone amazing." But I have to say, the more I hear it, the less I believe it. The more I hear it, the more I feel myself breaking down slowly inside. I'm headed for a full breakdown. But not today.

To protect myself, I have to pretend I'm very alone in this world. I have to pretend I'm ok with this. I have to pretend it doesn't bother me that I'm a very broken human, who has trouble interacting with strangers, a human who doesn't always know when to shut up, or when to talk, or what to say.

Am I Ok? Not really. But that's ok, right? Not really. But we can pretend it does, just a little longer. I feel myself breaking down, but that is ok. Because there is beauty in a breakdown.

Apologies I

I'm sorry I fooled myself into thinking I loved you.
I'm sorry for breaking your heart by falling for someone else.
I'm sorry for changing and growing as a human being.

I'm sorry I couldn't live up to your standards, expectations, or fantasies.
I'm sorry I numbed you to the point you had to hurt yourself to feel anything.
I'm sorry I tried to live up to your expectations, only to fall from tiredness.
I'm sorry you had to blame everything on me.

I'm sorry I actually loved you.
I'm sorry I actually cared.
I'm sorry I criticized when you asked for my honesty.
I'm sorry you didn't want to hear my opinion.
I'm sorry I let you think I didn't love you.

I'm sorry I was desperate for attention.
I'm sorry I was just a one night fling.
I'm sorry I reacted badly.
I'm sorry I'm a better person now.
I'm sorry you don't recognize me.

I'm sorry I let you fall in a pit.
I'm sorry I let you pull me in after you.
I'm sorry you believed I was wonderful.
I'm sorry you hated my friends.
I'm sorry I wouldn't tolerate the abuse any longer.
I'm sorry I let you let yourself think you could love again.

I'm sorry but I was drunk.
I'm sorry that it didn't fade faster.
I'm sorry I'm interesting to you.
I'm sorry I was hurt when I learned I was just another mark on the wall.
I'm sorry I never thought of us as more than friends with benefits.
I'm sorry I left at the wrong time.
I'm sorry I need my own space.

I'm sorry I can spot a train-wreck.
That's just waiting to happen.
I'm sorry I didn't text you back
But then again I had my reasons
I'm sorry I can think of better things to do than spend a night,
With drunken people, who I hardly know.
I'm sorry I can think of better people to spend my time with,
To whom I'm more than a friend of convenience.
I'm sorry your priorities are pussy, alcohol,
Then "friends" then me.
I'm sorry I'm not blind enough to stay around
When it's clear, if I do, it just might kill me.
I'm sorry I pity you
Because I've lost all respect
I'm sorry I can't care anymore,
Let it be my final regret.

Because I'm not sorry anymore.

The Fool Caught In The Hurricane

I see the wind blowing around me
But it doesn't feel that strong to me
I hear the howling and screams
But it doesn't feel that strong to me
I taste the dust in the air
But it doesn't feel that strong to me
I smell the smoke of burning fires
But it doesn't feel that strong to me

I wonder if I caused this
But I don't feel that strong to me
I wonder if I could have prevented this
But I don't feel that strong to me
I wonder if I could help
But I don't feel that strong to me

I wonder if those around me
See it sharper than I
I wonder if those around me
Feel it stronger than I
I wonder if those around me
Smell it sharper than I
I wonder if those around me
Taste it strong than I
I wonder if those around me
Feel it more than me

But I still have to say
It doesn't feel that strong to me...

Infinity's limits

Suspended in this strange world between worlds, a place that only exists because I occupy the space, and a single thought inspire an infinity more into being. Perhaps coalescence is at hand; collisions perhaps imminent, division and re-division always percipient. Back to the start, suspended between worlds.

Infinity. ∞

Repeating and Repeating. ∞

Take a closer look.

∞

The Tree

I must have run a thousand miles across this empty desert
maybe even a million, or a billion.
But I'm certain it wasn't a trillion.

I'd run for miles and miles under the hot sun.
Sometimes stopping for breath.
Sometimes to change course and chase the mirages to the ends of my own little world.

Until one day I fell face down,
and couldn't get up.
Breathing in the sand, the dust, and the dirt.

The singeing rays caressed my bare skin.
Until, for the first time in a while,
night had fallen.

Still I lay face down in the dirt,
too tired to move.
So I breathe in another ounce of dust.

Until the mornings rays, again burn my neck,
but only for a moment,
I decide to roll over and check.

A giant tree has grown around me,
protecting me in it's shade,
finally, a piece of sanctuary.

I rise up to search, the extent of it's growth,
for the first time I realize how thirsty I am,
and a fountain springs from it's roots.

My thirst is satisfied, and so I climb and lounge,
amongst the strong branches,
and the wide stretching bows.

A ripe piece of fruit falls from on high,
for the first time I realized,
that, one day, I might die.

But I eat the fruit,
savoring every bite,
knowing I'll be contented, until the next light.

My mirages chase around the outer edges of the shade,
but I pay them know mind,
I finally learned to wait, and stay watchful inside.

For if a mirages comes a-knocking,
if it comes lurking beneath my bow,
a mirage, it is more than, and more than, shall grow.

Maybe I'm Just Character Inspiration

I saw you today. I don't know your name. I don't know anything about you, except that you are beautiful. You don't know my name, you don't know anything about me, except you saw me looking at you.
I usually feel awkward when making eye contact with strangers on the street. But, not so much this time. I swear I could feel some sort of energy on the air as we made eye contact and smiled. Or at least, in my case, tried to smile.
I've been tired for so long, so worn down, so ready to give up all hope, that my mouth has not cracked a smile in a long while.

I might say, I fell in love with you in that moment. With your red hair, your cap, your beautiful face, that in my memory, is perfect. The way you moved with confidence in your step. I immediately get the sense you are a passionate being.
Perhaps some of that passion rubbed off on me in your passing.

Hell, I didn't even say a word for you. I want to imagine you as an artist. You certainly have a unique taste in clothing. Well, perhaps just accessories. Where as I was just a passing everyman. Plain grey T-shirt with dark tan pants. And a small but loud cry - A black hat with a red star hammer and sickle pin. I wonder if you noticed that. I wonder what you noticed.

Being an artist, who knows what you took note of. Perhaps you'll remember my eyes, the way I walked, the conversation I was having with the person I was with.
I wonder what art you create. Perhaps you are a painter. Perhaps you are a photographer. Perhaps you a writer. Perhaps you live your life as if it where art. Perhaps a combination.
Will my face slip its way from your brush? Will my posture find its way into photographs? Will my quiet, shy, but determined attitude form a character in a story? Who knows.

That phrase seems to be the name of the game. Who knows?
All I really feel sure I know, is that you impacted me on a level few people can get to with just a passing moment. After all the stress as of late, all the insecurities, all the criticisms, from myself and others, you've given me a glimpse of hope. I'd almost lost hope.

Tomorrow will be a brighter day, the future holds great promise. Let us not forget, that there is hope.

I wonder what would happen if I did happen to see you again. I hope I would say something. But I might be lost for words until much later. Maybe go with the moment - "Hello, You have a beautiful smile that has stunned me. And here I am, telling you about it."
Hell, it's better than saying nothing. I wonder what would happen if you started talking to me? What would you say...Who knows?

At the end of it all, all I really can say is, I hope I impacted you at least one-tenth as much as you've impacted me. I hope it all leads to something good. For both of us. Even if we never see each other again. If we never talk with words.

Today I fell in love with a stranger, with a beautiful smile.
8-01-11

Late Night Rantings I

I figured I'd always be alone. I guess it's time I start darkening my sunglasses, turning up my collar, and pulling my hat down.
Dark and mysterious some might say. I suppose, but those people pass judgment without any thought.

Why am I like this?

I've asked myself this many times...

Perhaps it is the fact I refuse to surrender to social stereotypes, rather, perceptions, that every man is a sex crazed maniac who will say anything to get into a lady's pants. Or that every woman is just another slut ready to put out...

Sigh. This cigarette is burning low. This glass is too empty for my liking...

Perhaps, I am this way, because I don't know what else to be. Perhaps I never wanted anything else. Perhaps I'm beating a dead horse, but I see very little actually gained from being a dog.

I'm a sucker for love really. Maybe every man is. All I really know, every time I think I've found it, it turns. Good and bad are labels for the lowest common denominator. One turned and confessed she hated me. Not to my face off course, but to people she should have known would have told me.

The silence is deafening.

Another roll of the dice, I found someone I related to. I related to a lot. I can't believe I couldn't see how blind I was. Increased distance, I have gained perspective. She would only take. Everything I had wasn't enough. Or maybe I wasn't willing to give everything.
Bitch. She would never do the same for me.

Silence. I'm getting used to it now.

A night of drinking. Fuck it all. Fuck this sausage fest. I don't care if I'm just another guy now. I'm going to have fun. Drunken love, lasted a while. We came back to the theme of giving. What she wanted, I was afraid to give. Try to explain it, and they still don't get it.
Fuck it. I know for a fact it wouldn't work. Call it astrology, but when sets of friends cycle regularly...
Fuck it. Not my call to make.

Funny...She brings me to a "friend."
If you can call someone like him a friend... I'm not sure what he is now. All I'm sure off, is like the last one, he too is blaming me for everything.

Oh yeah, you don't know this story. There was the party, then he fucked her, kept it a secret, and she ended up telling me, after a period of time in which a lot of things happened. Can you call him a friend?

Anyway... I'm sure I'm being blamed. I've now lost friends. I'm not sure what really happened...

I think I said this before. I need another drink.

As much as I wish I could say I like to be alone, it isn't entirely true. My thoughts grow far to loud when I'm alone. It's worse when I'm tired. The corrosive world finally wears through my defenses, I become very bitter. Angry. Sad. Depressed. And the full magnitude of my solitude hits me.
Hell, I'm probably too tired right now. Thank god I can ignore it...

But for how long?

I can't say I know.

Alas, I don't know what to do now, other than keep going. People come, people go, people change. I wonder who comes next...

Ah there is a happy thought for you. Who is next? I'm excited to know. She's probably beautiful. She's probably understanding. She's probably sexy. She's probably gentle. She's probably real...

Things are bad, when I think my fantasies are realistic.

Ah, thank you Jack...

That's good stuff.

I've probably been talking far too long. I must leave you now. I'm glad someone stayed and listened.

And remember... You matter.