Slow-Break II

I'm losing hope. Just when I think I come to terms with my loneliness and isolation, it finds a new spin on old feelings to make them bite harder.

I'm so, tired. I say that too much. In my own head if no where else. I don't want to feel this pain anymore. I'm sick to death of this pain.

Can't admit suicidal thoughts though, that would be losing. And I hate losing. As long as I hate losing more than I hate this pain, I should be safe enough.

It's the slow death that is driving me mad. No one knows when, no one knows where, no one knows why, but it's certainty can be a comfort. Other times, madness. Nothing to say, no one to talk to. Everyone's all gone off to bed. And tomorrow, I'll probably feel better, and if anyone mentions it, chances are, I'll say, "oh that. I was venting."

But am I really just venting? Partly. Do these things bother me a lot? Are they bothering me right now? Fuck yes. Will they bother me tomorrow? Probably. Will I want to talk about it tomorrow? Who knows...

Usually I'm so good at hiding my feelings, at hiding things that bother me. Too good, perhaps. No one knows the danger signs, or if they do, they don't know what to say. Or maybe they are too close, or far away.

I know I push people away, and I don't mean to. "My problems are my problems," I think to myself. No one knows what I know so obviously everyone else can't decide like I can.

But of course, that doesn't help either. Nothing I seem to do helps much. I rant to one friend or another, but two days later, I'm feeling like garbage again.

And when I push people away, maybe they ignore me...

I hate being ignored. And I hate the thought of people thinking I'm ignoring them. It breaks my fucking heart....

Fuck, I'm almost in tears over this. They are in my eyes, but they aren't collecting enough to drop out.

I'm so tired, but sleep won't help...I want things to work out in my favor, just once. I want something that can never be taken away from me.

Maybe I already have it...but so often there is little comfort to be found in ones self...

I should sleep. I should relax. I should let it all float away, and I should know that tomorrow will be better...

But those are just idea's, that don't help with right now. I just want the pain to stop...Best I can do right now, is distract myself long enough until something important comes a long and requires my attention for a while.Until I feel "okay" enough to mean "I'm okay" when I say it.

Yeah, I kind of am a wreck.

Slow-Break

My heart has been slowly breaking for the past week or so. And none of the people involved know anything about it.

My heart breaking again over memories long past.

My heart breaking over crossed signals.

My heart breaking, twice, in slow motion.

Superficial Repairs

I hope you realize how damaged I really am.

I might keep up the facade of being strong, but underneath, I'm cracked and bleeding slowly. I'm screwed up. I'm battered, and I'm not really all that okay.

Sometimes it shines through. An action will give me away, a lingering look, or maybe the look of concentration I focus on.

I'm sorry I have trust issues. I'm sorry I'm suspicious and paranoid.

I hate the patterns I'm painting. They aren't making me happy. They aren't making anyone happy. I need to set down the brush. Maybe just stop it all for a moment and appreciate the good things more than worry about possible bad. Stop worrying about my possible mistakes and misinterpretations. Soothe the fear, calm the sadness, and give myself a chance to be happy with simple observations.

I'm damaged. I know it looks like I have the ability to stand strong, defiant, full of strength when all else is failing, when all else is going to hell. But that is action. And action is easy. Action is the only thing I know how to do right. Thinking about the future just isn't my strong suite at all. I can think of things I want easily enough, but thinking of how to get them accomplished? That's something I'm honestly too afraid to think about most of the time.

I can be strong sometimes, and probably I've tried to be strong far too long. I just hope you realize, I'm just human.

I'll probably be okay some day, but first I'm going to need to be honest before I can honestly say "I'm okay."

Robot Reboot

I know I shouldn't want to be a robot. But I can't help it sometimes.
Not feeling anything sometimes feels like a better option...

When you can do nothing about the situation, and the next step is in someone's hands, when they fight tooth and nail to avoid any resolution, or decision, and decide to wait it out till it sorts itself out. Sometimes the madness of the void feels better than the dizzying dance of the tilt-o-whirl.

But even though I can't see the spinning, I still feel the spinning sickness, creeping from my heart, even though I choose not to feel the thrills and twists, I can't honestly say I feel better. I can't say I'm happy now, but I feel "bet-ter."
Bet-ter, because I no longer have the clutter of emotions distracting me.
But when I have no distraction, bad to mad. Back to Bad.

So really I'm no better off either way. But the ability to fake it through a day, sometimes has to take precedence over the easy breakdown.

But I don't want to devalue or dismiss everything. But, it is one day at time at this point. One day at a time; it's all I have energy fore. One day at a time; it's all I've got money for. One day at a time; it's all I can manage right now.

Art is my forward motion. As uninspired as I feel, I've got to try, otherwise I will completely stagnate.