Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Slow-Break II

I'm losing hope. Just when I think I come to terms with my loneliness and isolation, it finds a new spin on old feelings to make them bite harder.

I'm so, tired. I say that too much. In my own head if no where else. I don't want to feel this pain anymore. I'm sick to death of this pain.

Can't admit suicidal thoughts though, that would be losing. And I hate losing. As long as I hate losing more than I hate this pain, I should be safe enough.

It's the slow death that is driving me mad. No one knows when, no one knows where, no one knows why, but it's certainty can be a comfort. Other times, madness. Nothing to say, no one to talk to. Everyone's all gone off to bed. And tomorrow, I'll probably feel better, and if anyone mentions it, chances are, I'll say, "oh that. I was venting."

But am I really just venting? Partly. Do these things bother me a lot? Are they bothering me right now? Fuck yes. Will they bother me tomorrow? Probably. Will I want to talk about it tomorrow? Who knows...

Usually I'm so good at hiding my feelings, at hiding things that bother me. Too good, perhaps. No one knows the danger signs, or if they do, they don't know what to say. Or maybe they are too close, or far away.

I know I push people away, and I don't mean to. "My problems are my problems," I think to myself. No one knows what I know so obviously everyone else can't decide like I can.

But of course, that doesn't help either. Nothing I seem to do helps much. I rant to one friend or another, but two days later, I'm feeling like garbage again.

And when I push people away, maybe they ignore me...

I hate being ignored. And I hate the thought of people thinking I'm ignoring them. It breaks my fucking heart....

Fuck, I'm almost in tears over this. They are in my eyes, but they aren't collecting enough to drop out.

I'm so tired, but sleep won't help...I want things to work out in my favor, just once. I want something that can never be taken away from me.

Maybe I already have it...but so often there is little comfort to be found in ones self...

I should sleep. I should relax. I should let it all float away, and I should know that tomorrow will be better...

But those are just idea's, that don't help with right now. I just want the pain to stop...Best I can do right now, is distract myself long enough until something important comes a long and requires my attention for a while.Until I feel "okay" enough to mean "I'm okay" when I say it.

Yeah, I kind of am a wreck.

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