Emotions. Too many to handle, and caught in the crossfire. Balance and chaos, in my own, and all around me. Glimpses of tantalizing fantasizes manifested to flesh, so alive and powerful, suppressed under fear and exhaustion.
Just another day I don't have the energy to change myself. Another day I retreat, folded in upon myself, surrounded by my own frustrations and fears, steeped in them; stewing in them.
Planning, dreaming, hoping, for a better tomorrow. Dreaming far beyond myself; for the benefit of humans everywhere. Just a dream, shattered by the words, actions, ideas, and practices of society. The blind eyes, the screams ignored, the justifications for wrong. Just another frightening day in our stained, sparkingly utopia.
The sickness infests my heart. How can I change myself, when I can't even change the world?
I should believe that I can change myself in order to change the world. But how can I change myself when the world can't seem to be changed.
How can I change the world when I can't seem to speak at the right time, or loud enough? How about when no one really hears what I'm trying to say. My simplest statements, misinterpreted. Why bother explaining? Belittled and attacked over the mundane. Assumptions made quickly. Why bother explaining?
Why bother explaining? Why bother pursuing it? Should I ask for forgiveness when I see no wrong in what I've done? Should I ask for forgiveness for misinterpretations? No. No reason. Perhaps I should explain, but what gaurantee do I have my words would have an attentive and interested audience? A life time of being shy, and a life time more, it would seem.
Exhaustion. Depression. Reverting back to trying to be a robot. Why? Because it is all too much to handle.No words convey adequately what I feel. No name for it, and the roots go deep.
Maybe I should not sleep until I go absolutely insane. Or sleeping for all of an eternity.
Sometimes all I want, all I need, is a fresh start. Or a mostly fresh start. Something new, to not twist and tangle. Something to keep wondrous, passionate, and beautiful.
To lay my head down, is the closest I'll probably get to peace. For now at least. To lay my head down, is the closest I'll get to my dreams, pressed against the edges.
To lay my head down, to sleep.
It's all a game, and we're losing.
ReplyDeleteBest 2 out of 3.
I don't like the odds.