Late Night Rantings I

I figured I'd always be alone. I guess it's time I start darkening my sunglasses, turning up my collar, and pulling my hat down.
Dark and mysterious some might say. I suppose, but those people pass judgment without any thought.

Why am I like this?

I've asked myself this many times...

Perhaps it is the fact I refuse to surrender to social stereotypes, rather, perceptions, that every man is a sex crazed maniac who will say anything to get into a lady's pants. Or that every woman is just another slut ready to put out...

Sigh. This cigarette is burning low. This glass is too empty for my liking...

Perhaps, I am this way, because I don't know what else to be. Perhaps I never wanted anything else. Perhaps I'm beating a dead horse, but I see very little actually gained from being a dog.

I'm a sucker for love really. Maybe every man is. All I really know, every time I think I've found it, it turns. Good and bad are labels for the lowest common denominator. One turned and confessed she hated me. Not to my face off course, but to people she should have known would have told me.

The silence is deafening.

Another roll of the dice, I found someone I related to. I related to a lot. I can't believe I couldn't see how blind I was. Increased distance, I have gained perspective. She would only take. Everything I had wasn't enough. Or maybe I wasn't willing to give everything.
Bitch. She would never do the same for me.

Silence. I'm getting used to it now.

A night of drinking. Fuck it all. Fuck this sausage fest. I don't care if I'm just another guy now. I'm going to have fun. Drunken love, lasted a while. We came back to the theme of giving. What she wanted, I was afraid to give. Try to explain it, and they still don't get it.
Fuck it. I know for a fact it wouldn't work. Call it astrology, but when sets of friends cycle regularly...
Fuck it. Not my call to make.

Funny...She brings me to a "friend."
If you can call someone like him a friend... I'm not sure what he is now. All I'm sure off, is like the last one, he too is blaming me for everything.

Oh yeah, you don't know this story. There was the party, then he fucked her, kept it a secret, and she ended up telling me, after a period of time in which a lot of things happened. Can you call him a friend?

Anyway... I'm sure I'm being blamed. I've now lost friends. I'm not sure what really happened...

I think I said this before. I need another drink.

As much as I wish I could say I like to be alone, it isn't entirely true. My thoughts grow far to loud when I'm alone. It's worse when I'm tired. The corrosive world finally wears through my defenses, I become very bitter. Angry. Sad. Depressed. And the full magnitude of my solitude hits me.
Hell, I'm probably too tired right now. Thank god I can ignore it...

But for how long?

I can't say I know.

Alas, I don't know what to do now, other than keep going. People come, people go, people change. I wonder who comes next...

Ah there is a happy thought for you. Who is next? I'm excited to know. She's probably beautiful. She's probably understanding. She's probably sexy. She's probably gentle. She's probably real...

Things are bad, when I think my fantasies are realistic.

Ah, thank you Jack...

That's good stuff.

I've probably been talking far too long. I must leave you now. I'm glad someone stayed and listened.

And remember... You matter.