Feburary 18th, 2014

Today was beautiful. Probably one of the most beautiful days I've experienced (though that is a lofty title).
Today wasn't perfect. I was sick. I did play video games when I should have done something productive, and the one project I half heartedly started, exploded. Literally. Good thing I was wearing safety glasses though!

But today was beautiful. I woke up early. Not my choice mind you, my body decided to HELL with sleep, I'm thirsty! I decided shortly there after to spend the day "getting better."
But I did get to see the sunrise. After reading a wonderful blog post about depression. A really good one. One that put into words and pictures and made light of something I have been struggling with for a while. It also occurred to me, that maybe I've been yo-yoing in and out of depression for much longer than I ever thought. It was funny, insightful, and struck a cord with me.
And in a brilliant move, of cosmic symbolism, that is right about the time the sun rose. Literally, the sun was shining in my eyes.

After finishing the blog post reading, and sharing it around, I noticed the way the light was shining in.
Me being awake before 9 is a decidedly rare occurrence. So seeing sunrises tend to mean a little more than sunsets. Both are beautiful, but I've seen far more sunsets.
Anyway, I took some light texture photos. Maybe I'll post them, maybe not. Either way, it was beautiful. The way the sun refracted through the transparent edge of the TV. beautiful the angle it came in, and shined through the open blinds. Beautiful the way shadows where cast.
In a very, obvious way, these events (now upon reflection) remind me of another sunrise so many years ago. I took photos of that event as well. But today's, was brighter, more vibrant, more alive.

I've come a long way. I realized that today. I have come a long way. This all added into the beautiful happenings

Later in the day, cloudy and grey, after a failed project start, etc, I took a nap. I knew I shouldbe at work in 30 minutes, but I decided to nap anyway.

And I over slept. A lot. I left about three and a half hours later than I normally do. It's fine; this job is laid back and cool. They don't care when exactly I get there, they just care that the work is done by the time the truck drivers have to leave the next morning. It all worked out though. Yesterday my coworker was late showing up, today I was late in showing up.

The later night drive on the way there, coincided with a local radio stations Tuesday Night Takeover show -  mostly some form of electronic, with a tendency to down tempo, chill stuff. The sort of stuff that I've always enjoyed. The sort of thing that makes me experience life more vividly. When I parked at work, I noticed my odometer reading 228000. That has been happening to me more lately. I arrive someplace and notice a pattern, or rounded number. It is very interesting to me. I do take photos, of them, but I'm not entirely sure why. I've mused on the nature of every mile being important as the milestone ones. I guess it's that the milestones are a good way to mark the distance, and also remember all the miles before. I got out of my car and went inside.

The orders where pretty heavy so he had done quite a bit of the work already. I thanked him, and explained what happened. He understood, which was awesome. I put my headphones in and tuned my MP3 player to the radio station to stay up with Tuesday Night Takeover. My coworker probably finished about 15 minutes later, and left for home, which left me in the warehouse, alone.

Now, I've been alone before. I've been alone a lot. But this "alone" was only in a physical way. I was with the DJ at the radio station, as she played beautiful music and tried to expain how much certain songs mean to her. I was listening with her. I was listening with everyone else. I was enjoying the experience. I was happy. I was fully present.

After the orders where done, I walked around the warehouse with a dust mop, just to tidy up a little, and so I could keep listening and enjoying myself. After that, I locked up the warehouse, got in my car, and turned on the radio to keep listening.

On my way home, I heard many beautiful songs. But at some point, I started to cry.
Maybe part of it was congestion. Maybe I don't blink enough. Maybe I was deeply moved. Maybe a combination of all three. But I started to cry. Not sobbing, just tears. I smiled; it hit me just how beautiful everything is. How amazing today was, even though it might not be the most remarkable day ever. It was still, wonderful.

This is a day I want to remember forever. A day that was liberating. I did get better; but maybe not in the way I had intended. I hope I get physically better, by as my emotional and mental well being goes, I feel great.

Damn it feels good to be alive!

Matches

Today, I bought matches.
Diamond.
Strike-anywhere.
Penny Matches.
Greenlight.
Responsibly sourced.
Eight boxes.
Thirty two in a box.
Two Hundred and Fifty Six Sticks.
99 cents.

Why, did I buy matches?

Hell, I don't know.

The smell.
The imagery.

Yet another miracle for sale.

Strike a match.
Let it burn.
Toss the match.

Repeat.

Practice.

A Rehearsal.

I'll just let it burn a little longer.
Maybe I'll learn after I get burned.
One more time.

Valentines Day

I know that there are many couples in this world. I also know there are many single people. Between the two, you can figure a good chunk claim they don't care about Valentines Day. However, the smart money is on them lying.

So, if you do secretly care about Valentines day, I have the solution where you can get all the fun/misery of Valentines day done in minutes!

Step One: Acquire currency.
The more bills you have, the longer the celebration will last. But If you want to be absolutely realistic, get a $100 bill.

Step Two: Acquire fire.
Lighters are plentiful in this world. If you don't have one, buy one from a gas station, or borrow a smokers, or chances are you can even find one laying on the street. (1 to 100 odds on this one). If you have to purchase a lighter, do not use your celebratory $100 bill.

Step Three: Carefully set fire to the currency.
I say carefully, because if you happen to consume more than 51% of the bill, it is gone. Forever. If you can keep 51% of the bill identifiable, you can mail it into the treasury and they will mail you a brand new bill! This effectively gives you the feeling of losing a lot of money for no really smart or valid reason, without the actual doom that would be visited upon you shortly after the Valentines day smoke clears.

Step Four: Be glad for where you are in your life.

If you are single: Be thankful you don't have anyone to belittle you for setting money on fire.
If you are in a relationship (and still are after the fact): Be thankful you have a partner who is willing to tolerate your shenanigans.
If you end up breaking up: Be thankful you got away from someone who has no appreciation for art and/or symbolism.
If you didn't end up doing this, have a good laugh imagining above situations playing out.

Peace, Love, and Sock Puppets.

Again

Set match to gas again,
To clear it up again,
Strike a spark again,
To watch it die again.

It's dark again,
I'm cold again,
Echos again,
Repeating again,
So sublime again,
The message's lost,
Again.

Where did it begin again?

How do we keep score again?
Are we really messuring by THIS standard again?

Crashed your car again,
Lost your love again,
"Just a metaphor," again. 

Four Oh Four again,
Time to maintain again,
Spin and balance the tires again,

Schedule a visit again,
To tell the story again,
Hear the advice again,
Transform again,
Be well again,
If only for a while,
Again.

Write it again,
Recite it again,
Revise it again,
Forget it again.

I see
Slow break again.
I am
Damaged again.
I feel
Forgotten again.
I have
Isolation again.
I fear
Abandoned again
I act
Indifferent again.

Written for fun, again.
Expression, again.
Reality is different, again.
Words are filtered, again.
To this medium, again.

Catch 22

If I say I'm alright, when I'm not, people will worry less.

If I say I'm not alright, when I'm not, people will worry and want to help.

Then, I don't know how to be helped. So they worry and offer as much help as they would have if I was "alright."

If I can't be helped by anyone but myself, why ask for help?
If I can't help myself, asking for help is useless because I don't know how to be helped.

I fade away, because people let me.
I fade away, because if I can't be helped, I don't want to be a buzz-kill at the party.
I fade away, because I say I'm alright, but can't figure out how to be helped, even if I told people I wasn't alright, and needed help.

Depression sucks.

The Simple Conflict

I write down what bothers me, and want to share it.
But then I think no one can help, or no one cares, so why bother?

So it stays inside, and eats me up. But I want to let it all out.
But I can't, because I'm so certain I can't be helped by anyone.

I'm tired; I've seen this cycle for far too long, and know it too well.

If I could think of how I could be helped, I'd be fine. But I don't know how to be helped.

Headed to rock bottom, slowly but surely.

Mood Swings

Today, I had happy moments. I had sad moments. I had moments when I felt legitimately okay, and moments when I really wasn't sure I was going to make it.

Life was beautiful, and life was out to get me. Or I'm out to get me.
Life is beautiful, but I'm not always sure I can keep up with it.
Sometimes I enjoy experiences. Random experiences.

Driving home from the train station, to drop my sister off before I head off to work. The sun is setting, the western sky is overcast. KRCL on the radio, playing The Black Keys, So He Won't Break. I remember the time, well enough, to be able to look these things up. But what I remember is changing into the left lane, and the way the light hits the street and the trees. Diffused; blue, with hints of golden. maybe the leaves, maybe the subliminal hues from the setting sun. Feeling, like I was happy. Because life, is beautiful.

Fast forward, and I couldn't tell you what was on the radio. Still KRCL, but I'm unfocued, not really paying attention. I'm too concerned about finding another job, as i turn on the frontage road to get to my current job. The sun has set, and the clouds are moving in. I suppose its beautiful, i've seen it before. But I can't remember the experience. All I remember is the anxiety. The stress, the small little bit of panic, that maybe, I'm not going to make it. I reflect upon it now, and think, maybe I won't make it. Maybe if I break down, I'll be able to pick it all up again and fix whatever is wrong. But if I break down, what then? I don't like to think about it, but maybe I'd feel better.

Earlier in the day, after I woke up from the strange dream, a vision of a sunny neighborhood, then a dark room full of hooded figures, then a severed hand being dipped in wax, the many voices saying, all at once, "We are all the witnesses to justice" as the wax drips off the hand. I know it to be a hand of glory. Anyway, weird dreams aside, after waking up and a telephone conversation, I got ready for the day. Reflecting upon aspects of the call, I told myself, "Lately, I don't feel the need to run away."

Right now, I wonder if maybe I do need to get away. Run away. Simplify everyone's life. Or maybe just mine.

Maybe that is why I need any job for right now; save money, then run away. A means to an end.

I don't want to think these things, but maybe I need to face the painful feelings before I can get better.

Or maybe there is no getting better.

I hate feeling trapped. I'm pretty much fucked.